That Mom Guilt

If you know my story, you know I really struggled with breastfeeding. It was one of the most frustrating things. EVER.

I feel like almost every woman who is about to be a new Mother is told breastfeeding is “simple”, “easy”, “you’ll get the hang of it”, “they’ll latch quickly” “you will figure it out in no time”.

But this is all far from true. Breastfeeding isn’t easy, you don’t always get the hang of it right away or even the second or third time. And sometimes you even need to get some type of external support from a Certified Lactation Consultant. But let me tell you now, it isn’t as easy as “they” say...

I had such a difficult time, not to mention, I had very little to no guidance. I did meet with a lactation consultant that was provided at the hospital. Unfortunately, she only made the situation even worse, my stress levels went from 50 to 100, real quick. All of this led to me completely giving up because I figured, if this professionally trained lactation consultant didn’t know WTF she was doing, how could I?

SIDE NOTE : I do have to mention that she was in no way shape or form a competent Lactation Consultant, I was rushed throughout the entire appointment, I felt super unwelcome and unwanted. Not the greatest experience for a new mom. In my personal opinion, any time you do not have to pay for a service like Family Doctor, lactation consultant, dietitian, etc… they don’t invest enough time in patients/clients. They want you to come in and get out ASAP so they can see the next person or whatever the case may be. I don’t know if it can be blamed on our skewed medical system we have in Canada or the doctors/ practitioners themselves. However, this should not be applied to all, but from my own personal experience.

If you are having any difficulties with breastfeeding, looking into a Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) near you is going to be extremely helpful!

Okay, back to the story.

I was so set on breastfeeding because it was A) FREE and B) knew how important it was. But I just couldn’t do it. My milk supply was low, I didn’t know if my son was even getting enough or anything at all. I gave up…

Well friend, let me tell you the guilt I felt after that. I blamed myself for not being able to breastfed. I thought everyday, what is wrong with my body? Why can’t I do this? My body is supposed to know how to breastfed and produce milk. Why was I having such a hard time? Why wasn’t I getting it? I felt like a bad mother because I couldn’t do it.

Now my son was officially a formula fed baby. There goes my plan to breastfeed out the window.

This cycle of guilt started to gain momentum because, well, one thing led to another.

Well if you know more about my story you know that Liam had A LOT of digestive issues that stemmed from the formula he was consuming. If you don’t know the story, I will tell you quickly. My son, from a few days old, experienced colic, we assumed it was the formula he was given in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Which turned into constipation, diarrhea, blood in his poop, diaper rashes and skin rashes. All of these issues happened because of the commercial brands of formula he consumed. And we tried quite a few formulas to “fix” the digestive issues.

By this point, I truly believed and felt like a bad mom. In my mind, I was the worst mother ever. I couldn’t breastfed. I had to formula feed my son and now he had these digestive issues. I couldn’t get out of the self-sabotaging, ego fueled mindset.

This was the catalyst that propelled me to go back to school, “The Institute of Holistic Nutrition”. I knew I wasn’t the only mother out there who was going through this. I wanted to help. I wanted to be of service to other mothers, but it wasn’t enough for me to get out of that guilt cycle I created for myself. I still felt like a bad mom.

You know that iceberg picture. You only see the tip of it, but there is a shit ton of ice under the surface. This is exactly how I felt with this whole “bad mom” mindset. I knew there was something deeper I needed to work with and release because this story I created for myself, being a bad mother, just wasn’t going away. I began to work with this awesome woman named Belinda who facilitated a powerful release meditation called “The Dalian Method”. It allows you to release old thought and belief patterns that no longer serve you, along with breaking down layers of thoughts that have manifested in the body and are hindering you…

Let me tell you, after this 2-3 hour session. I felt the shift. I felt the thought and belief of being a bad mom no longer control me. I honoured that feeling. I accepted that I didn’t know at the time. I didn’t know any better. If I knew better, I would have done better. I accepted and honoured that everything I experienced in the beginning months of being a mother and the struggle I went through was a part of my journey and path.

SIDE NOTE : I worked through that emotion and thought pattern quickly, but this doesn’t happen that quickly for everyone. Sometimes there are several layers of thoughts, emotions, trauma, etc… that need to be broken down and sometimes it takes several sessions to work through those layers.

All of this, all of the stress, struggle and growth has blessed me with the opportunity to help many other moms who are also feeling like this and going through this. I feel so truly blessed and grateful to be able to support other Moms!

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